Contemplation after a bad night

The world is not perfect – that day was a difficult day.

A bad night after a somewhat disjointed getting together with my husband the previous evening.

He’d had a long day, tried to disappear and forget about everything he had to do.

I needed his input on a piece of work.

He wasn’t able to say that it was too much for him.

An awkward situation.

We ended up not ‘connecting from the heart’ before we went to bed.

They say: “Never go to sleep when a disagreement or an emotional issue with a loved one is not cleared.”

“It will still be there in the morning.”

It’s true.

I can tell from my own experience with bad nights.

In addition you’ll have to spend time in the morning to resolve the issue.

So, you might as well do it in the evening.

Resolving an issue in a loving way, however, is not always easy, but it can be done.

Here is how:

First, it takes awareness to recognise that something is not quite right.

When this happens, congratulate yourself and take a deep breath.

Then, on the out breath, let go of the ego – of wanting to be right.

You need to find the right question or comment to unlock the situation and start the pathway towards a resolution.

This is possible when you come from a place of wanting to understand the other person – ask with sincerity “what is happening?”

Usually the other person relaxes, opens up and talks about what is really bothering them.

You can start connecting again.

This is what Stephen Covey means in his book ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, when he talks about ‘seek first to understand, and then to be understood’

To be able to go through this process requires maturity of both parties:

The one who recognises the situation for what it is – and takes the first step in wanting to understand.

And the one who hears the sincere question – and has the courage to open up.

Then again, we are not perfect and sometimes it takes a sleepless night to be able to take that first step.

If you have too many sleepless nights and would like to find a way out, get in touch with me. Systemic Constellations work well for couples too.